It doesn’t take much to be a parent in Sim City, the Sim City Adoption Agency, will allow anyone adopt.This was proven once again when a child was turned over to Big and Bob Foot, a gay sasquatch couple.
Bob was amazed at how easy it was for them to become parents.“All I had to do was pick up the phone and make a phone call.There was no paperwork, no background check, no home visit.I was just told that within twenty-four hours we would have a child.”
“Our new daughter is great.You would think that she would be afraid, because we are sasquatches and all, but she accepted us right off, happy to finally have a loving family.She didn’t realize right off that we were a same sex couple, all the hair really confuses things,” Big told us. “When we explained everything she didn’t seem to have a problem with it. She’s happy to be here.”
Sims through out Sim City are appalled and shocked by this turn of events.In a city known for its strangeness, you would think that this would be treated like another happening.That isn’t the case.
Bob Newbie was the first to speak on the issue. “I didn’t know that there was a gay sasquatch family living nearby! I didn’t even know sasquatches could be gay…then again, I never really thought about it.”
Tila Tequila was the most affected by the news.“I can’t believe this! Big Foot is gay?!?”She then broke down in tears.Because of a certain circulated home video, it’s no secret that Tila had a short lived relationship with Big Foot.
Bob Foot was amazed that people just assumed that all sasquatches were heterosexual.“ That was just an unfair assumption to make about sasquatches, that we would all be straight.That would be like saying all humans are straight and that there are no gay aliens.Personally, I find it odd that people would accept us for being gay before accepting us for being sasquatches, with all the negative sasquatch stereotypes out there.”
When contacted for a statement about alien sexuality all Pollination Technician Nine had to say was “Big Foot….hmmm….this has possibilities….”
Many famous people have moved to Sim City and it’s surrounding suburbs over the years including Marylin Manson, Tom Cruise, and those meddling kids from Mystery Inc. Ironically, the citizens of Sim City have more enthusiasm that the creative toy designer, S. Casino, from Gobler Toys has moved into town and started a toy company.
Bob Newbie went as far as to throw a block party in Mr. Casino’s honor. “This is the best news we have ever had. Our children will have more to play with than just teddy bears. Nothing against teddy bears, we just need some variety around here.”
The first new toy that Mr. Casino designed and put into production is Mr. Bricks-a-Lot. “It’s twice as exciting as a teddy bear and does ten times the damage when small children throw it at each other.”
Sims don’t seem to be concerned that toys have officially become more dangerous. “It’s part of their appeal.” Samantha from incinerated Sim City Reticulated Splines factory told us.
Mr. Casino couldn’t say enough about Mr. Bricks-a-Lot. “You would be surprised what you can do with a brick. The best part about Mr. Bricks-a-Lot is that he responds to voice commands to do tricks.” He was even kind enough to provide us with the following demonstration video.
It’s spring and that means bats. What? You thought bats were just for Halloween. Not in Sim City. Bats are the new fashion statement…especially tribal bats. Sims are wearing them on everything and they can be found at The Sims Exchange. (Link button is at the top right of the page under the banner.)
Tribal artwork used for Sim clothes:
Personal note: I love this bat so much I had it tattooed to my wrist to days ago as a bracelet (it’s the first tattoo I have had done). I decided that my Sims needed it as much as I did so I put it on everything that I could think of for them.
For the first time in their lives, many sims experienced rain. Sim City has always been known as the city where it’s always 80, sunny and the weather never changes. In a city that is used to alien abductions, vampires, werewolves and other oddities, you would think the citizens could handle a little rain. “I blame global warming for this.” Bob Newbie, who was less than impressed, told us. Other sims were more excited.
“It was great seeing rain. The last time I saw rain I was on tour in Japan, I am big there you know. I considered running outside and dancing naked in it, but I wasn’t sure what the neighbors would think. Trent Reznor told us. “If my camera crew would have been here, don’t think I wouldn’t have done it. It would have made great footage for my next music video.”
The rain did confuse the children. Many of them thought that there was a hole in the sky. Others told us that they thought that rain was something that only happened in fairy tales. One child even went as far to say “The aliens made it rain. Aliens like rain.”
Sim City U is currently planning a class for next semester about the phenomenon of rain and other weather. The head of the science department, Dr. Storm, explaine, “If we are going to have weather, sims need to know what causes it where they can be prepared. Not only that, we need to dispel some of these myths about where rain comes from. Can you imagine what sims will think if it ever snows? I can see someone running through the streets yelling ‘God has dandruff’. Stuff like that is just going to cause a panic.”
First aliens and vampires, now rain. What other weirdness will plague Sim City next?
I created a bunch of shirts over the last few days for The Sims 2. It’s been a while since I have done any of these because I didn’t know what I wanted to make. Anyway, all my downloads from now on will be available on my Sim Page at The Exchange.
First up are BlogTalkRadio t-shirts for both adult males and females. Don’t know what BlogTalkRadio is? Check it out over at www.blogtalkradio.com. It’s a social networking internet radio platform that is free for anyone to use. Get yourself an account and your Sims a T-shirt.
These next items are going to be a big hit with every Nine Inch Nails fan. In case you have been living under a rock, the new NIN CD, Year Zero, was released on April 17, 2007.
These next shirts I would like to thank my wonderful friend Steve for providing the inspiration, ideas, and weirdness, not to mention not kicking my ass for turning his creations into Sim wear. Thank you Steve for being you! XOXOXO!!
Today in Sim City a fire broke out in the top floor lunch room of the Sim City Spline Reticulating Factory. The fire spread so quickly that the factory was burned to the ground before firefighters could get the blaze under control.
The building was somewhat of a historical landmark. Built in 1850 it was the only factory that reticulated splines over the years. Sim City has seen many spline factories come and go over the years that were unsuccessful because they didn’t offer reticulated splines.
Citizens are upset over the loss of the factory. Bob Newbie was found in a fetal position next to the rubble crying. “There is nowhere to get reticulated splines now. Whatever will we do?” He could be heard sobbing as the men in the white coats loaded him into the ambulance.
Yes, this is a huge loss for Sim City. Ironically we couldn’t find a single sim that could tell us what a reticulated spline was, but they all had to have them. They have become a part of pop culture and they seem to be a necessity for sims. “A sim without a reticulated spline isn’t a sim” was the motto of the Sim City Spline Reticulating Factory. The citizens of Sim City seem to feel the same way.
We caught up with Sim City’s fire chief, Abe Laze. He tells us that once again another fire can be attributed to putting ramen noodles in a microwave. “Dr. Vermicelli really needs to get to the bottom of this ramen noodle problem. Until he does we really need the mayor to ban them before something worse happens. As if anything could be worse than loosing the reticulated splines factory. The problem is, splines are very flammable. Once they caught fire there was nothing that we could do.”
In a recent study done in Sim City it was discovered that sims who cooked ramen noodles in the microwave had a 75% increase in fires than sims that did not.There are currently three theories.The first theory on faulty microwaves was thrown out because it only happens when cooking ramen noodles.The second theory is that ramen noodles are highly flammable.The third theory brings into question the ability of sims to properly prepare ramen noodles.
Dr. Vermicelli, who is heading up the study, tells us “It’s not that hard to cook ramen noodles, so I am having a hard time believing that is the cause.However, we have mailed out IQ tests to everyone in Sim City and the surrounding suburbs.Hopefully we will get enough of them back to rule out general stupidity.”
There has been some concern with other scientists around Sim City Labs about mailing out the IQ tests and allowing sims to take them at home. They are concerned that people will use the internet to look up the answers.Dr. Vermicelli has taken this into serious consideration.“If someone is too inept to cook ramen noodles, they aren’t intelligent enough to think of looking up the answers.It’s a non-issue.”
Where does this leave the ramen noodles?Are they that flammable?“It’s not the noodles themselves are flammable, it’s the broth.”Dr. Vermicelli explained.“We identified four ingredients that were not listed on the package, despite FDA regulations.One of those ingredients we…I mean I…believe came from the alien space craft wreckage.When we originally investigated it we found traces of the same substance.Ramen noodles are tasty but I seriously doubt that they are that universal.”
Is it possible that ramen noodles aren’t really from China as originally documented?Could they be space food?Dr. Vermicelli didn’t have an answer.“There have been UFO sightings and abductions for hundreds of years in Sim City, anything is possible.”
Once again, someone in Sim City is complaining about the absurd. This time we learned something valuable from it. Sim City has a burglars union, and they are unhappy. What about the people who are robbed, shouldn’t they be the unhappy ones? They really don’t seem to mind. “It’s what professional burglars do. They need to work too.” One citizen told us.The Sim City Burglars Union (SCBU) was founded five years ago by Carlito Bandito. The union was formed originally to help lobby for laws against guard dogs after many burglars complained about dog attacks, especially bites to their ass. Over the years they have tried to lobby against burglar alarms and tried to convince people that their houses should be painted by colour code where they would know who had the good stuff.
The complaints from the union this time are about uniforms. Burglars in Sim City have always been required to dress in a black and white stripped shirt, black jeans, black hat and gloves. Today they are complaining that these uniforms stereotype burglars.
“These uniforms conjure bad images. People see us getting off work and just assume that we are going to rob them or something. They make it difficult for us to make friends.” Carlito explains. “We don’t do these things in our off hours. When we aren’t at work, we are just like everyone else. EMT’s, doctors, lawyers, and chefs have uniforms that are respected. Ours isn’t. We need something that reflects better on us.”
We ask Carlito what he had in mind for a uniform. “A jumpsuit would be good. Like what mechanics wear. Yellow would be a good color. Yellow is the color of the sun and makes people happy.” He doesn’t seem concerned about yellow making it easier to spot burglars in the dark. “Every job has it’s risks. We will just have to lobby for better benefit if this change goes through.”
We couldn’t pass up this opportunity to conduct yet another poll in Sim City. We asked several citizens what their opinion on all this was. The replies we got all echoed the same thought. “We can’t have burglars changing their uniforms. We have gotten used to what they look like and know to protect ourselves against them. If they change them we won’t know who they are. We can’t have burglars getting confused with gardeners or food delivery people.”
When we brought these poll results to Carlito Bandito, he was more than a bit perturbed. “It doesn’t matter what the people of Sim City think. It’s up to our union, and we have the vote to change the uniforms, if it passes, they will just have to adapt. Friendlier uniforms mean friendlier burglars”
Will new uniforms make work harder on the S.C.P.D.? Police Chief Dumas assures us that it won’t. “Sim City Police have the best training, the best weapons and the best doughnuts. We also rely on the technology of burglar alarms to alert us to trouble. Not only that, anyone carrying a stereo at 2:00 am is suspect.”
Loki Beaker was surprised to find a hamburger in a medical dummy that he ordered from the Sims Home Shopping Network. “That was the last thing that I expected to find in there. I thought that someone at Dummies R Us had accidentally put left his lunch behind but that wasn’t the case.”The hamburger that Loki found just happened to be the Sacred Hamburger of King Winkie. For those who are new to Sim City, or slept through history class, King Winkie was ruler of Sim City back in 986 BC. Some said he was crazy, but it was his obsession for the perfect hamburger that drove him. The story goes that once his chefs had mastered the skill, Winkie took one bite and had the hamburger preserved forever. That hamburger was believed to be lost forever. It was delivered to the Beaker house where Loki found it while practicing his dissecting skills.
The hamburger has since been turned over to the Sim City University for further study. “We can’t wait to find out what sort of technology was used to preserve this hamburger. This sort of information could really advance food preservation in the grocery stores.
Loki Beaker finds Sacred Hamberger in medical dummy. This picture is a reinactment. There is no word on how the hamburger originally got to the Dummies R Us warehouse and distribution center.
It is with great sadistic pleasure that the Sims Weekly World News is finally allowed to report on a case that was leaked to us not long after Christmas. Santa Clause has been found guilty for setting the Christmas Tree of Mystery Inc. on fire.
A gag order was originally placed on this case at the request of Mr. Clause’s lawyer, Twinkie, an elf currently employed by the defendant who also specializes in making miniature wooden horses. “It’s a tragedy. I was afraid this was going to happen. The image of everyones favorite Christmas icon has been ruined. I bet the Easter Bunny never has these problems.”
The day after Christmas charges were filed by the meddling kids of Mystery Inc. Images from their security camera were submitted at the time as evidence. The pictures show Santa standing next to the tree laughing as it burned.
Daphne told us, “It was terrible. We lost most of our Christmas presents. I bought Velma this really cute high powered vibrator where she didn’t feel the need to bang Shaggy anymore. It’s been really weird around here since he got her knocked up. Not only that, our house could have burned down. All Santa did was stand there and laugh.”
There was some question as to if the arsonist was really Santa Clause or some impostor. Santa Clause is supposed to be a fat jolly man. Where Santa appeared to be jolly, he wasn’t fat. On the witness stand he told us, “My doctor told me that my cholesterol was too high and I was at a high risk for heart attack. If I didn’t want to disappoint all the good little boys and girls I would have to go on a diet and exercise regimen and loose weight. I lost one hundred and fifty pounds using the Adkins diet and Richard Simmons Sweating to the Oldies tapes.”
Santa was sentenced with community service, time all ready served for his previous service to the community every Christmas. He is currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation to make sure his weight loss hasn’t affected his mental ability to perform his job.
