Burglers Union Complians (archive)

Once again, someone in Sim City is complaining about the absurd. This time we learned something valuable from it. Sim City has a burglars union, and they are unhappy. What about the people who are robbed, shouldn’t they be the unhappy ones? They really don’t seem to mind. “It’s what professional burglars do. They need to work too.” One citizen told us.The Sim City Burglars Union (SCBU) was founded five years ago by Carlito Bandito. The union was formed originally to help lobby for laws against guard dogs after many burglars complained about dog attacks, especially bites to their ass. Over the years they have tried to lobby against burglar alarms and tried to convince people that their houses should be painted by colour code where they would know who had the good stuff.

The complaints from the union this time are about uniforms. Burglars in Sim City have always been required to dress in a black and white stripped shirt, black jeans, black hat and gloves. Today they are complaining that these uniforms stereotype burglars.

“These uniforms conjure bad images. People see us getting off work and just assume that we are going to rob them or something. They make it difficult for us to make friends.” Carlito explains. “We don’t do these things in our off hours. When we aren’t at work, we are just like everyone else. EMT’s, doctors, lawyers, and chefs have uniforms that are respected. Ours isn’t. We need something that reflects better on us.”

We ask Carlito what he had in mind for a uniform. “A jumpsuit would be good. Like what mechanics wear. Yellow would be a good color. Yellow is the color of the sun and makes people happy.” He doesn’t seem concerned about yellow making it easier to spot burglars in the dark. “Every job has it’s risks. We will just have to lobby for better benefit if this change goes through.”

We couldn’t pass up this opportunity to conduct yet another poll in Sim City. We asked several citizens what their opinion on all this was. The replies we got all echoed the same thought. “We can’t have burglars changing their uniforms. We have gotten used to what they look like and know to protect ourselves against them. If they change them we won’t know who they are. We can’t have burglars getting confused with gardeners or food delivery people.”

When we brought these poll results to Carlito Bandito, he was more than a bit perturbed. “It doesn’t matter what the people of Sim City think. It’s up to our union, and we have the vote to change the uniforms, if it passes, they will just have to adapt. Friendlier uniforms mean friendlier burglars”

Will new uniforms make work harder on the S.C.P.D.? Police Chief Dumas assures us that it won’t. “Sim City Police have the best training, the best weapons and the best doughnuts. We also rely on the technology of burglar alarms to alert us to trouble. Not only that, anyone carrying a stereo at 2:00 am is suspect.”